first entry of the month. my gameplan for today was to get rid of the piling garbage that was around the room so i took them out fairly quickly. i then tackled the amplifier setup as my friend sean has been wanting to record more and use my pedals if needed so i went ahead and did that too. i tackled the remaining clean clothes and washed the mountain of clothes that i had laying on the floor in the closet. treated myself to two burgers today because this last week had been real long for me. i got my labs in today and it's crazy to see my estrogen levels be this high but im happy it is.

i also recently bought a new desk which should come in next monday. hoping it will have enough room for me to scoosh over to get out of my desk area. i should probably get some air soon. it's been a bit since i walked outside by myself for a bit.

the stars looked really nice out tonight. there were these three pretty big ones out that i liked the look of. it was probably a constellation but it's been forever since i learned about them. i'd say today was pretty productive. i did a lot of things that i needed to have done before i have to head back in for work after tomorrow. i kind of hate how much i have this immense fear that everyone who i talk to just secretly doesn't enjoy talking to me. i dont really talk a whole lot in general but it seems like anytime i do it feels like everyone's looking at me judgingly and carry on without me. this was always an issue i've had since childhood and for the most part i've gotten it resolved through therapy but there are moments where i feel lonely and just cant get out of that headspace no matter how much mental willpower it took.

i think i really owe my entire life to ambient music. i probably wouldn't even be here to begin with if i hadn't heard such albums like rob scallon's anchor ep, brian eno's music for airports, or 2814's birth of a new day.