hey y'all, sorry that i havent posted in a bit of a week almost. been busy updating the site and i've been working on a spreadsheet to catalog all of the existing media that i've listened to, watched, played, or even read. so i've just been doing those things for the past week or so. work's been making me tired as of late with these 2-11 shifts but im atleast getting some good money in before i fly out to chicago sometime in the middle of june. i really hope i'll have fun there but im worried im just gonna be sitting awkwardly with some people around me and not have any lasting memories.

i had a dream that kind of shook me a bit. i guess it was a nightmare but for me all of my nightmares are essentially just really weird and bizarre dreams. content warning for mostly stuff about shooting and hostages.

to basically summarize it, i was involved with some sort of crime institute with this one crazy asian guy. i remember having an elongated molar that prevented me from speaking clearly which was uncomfortable to me. i guess i ended up betraying the institute somehow but the dude knew the entire time and was just waiting for the perfect time to get me alongside the people around me. when i got to the checkpoint i wasn't allowed in, so i brute forced my way in despite people thinking i was dead. felt so real i almost cried in my sleep.

i really wish i could be happy with my body. i dont want my jealousy to consume me but it feels like it gets worse with every negative feeling i might have at the moment. it's so bad that i want to lash out at them even though they cant really control how they look or sound or whatever. i hate it. why must my brain be not normal. i want to be pretty all the time. i feel weak. i want to feel like i belong but it's hard when i barely have anyone talking to me. i cant even put myself out there without feeling overwhelmed. why am i like this? why doesnt anyone notice me? why do i feel like i'm shunned away at every community that i'm in? i wish it was two years in the future already. i want to be out of this part of arizona.

well, i certainly feel better now that i've distracted myself with work and other things. work has been pretty easy today i think. my 6-3 associate just left as soon as i came in at 2pm which was odd but he probably had a good reason to do it.

todays the first day that i've worked with a recent friend of mine named veronica. i might have mentioned her before but i can't remember if i did. she's nice, me and her get along quite well. she's fairly quiet and shy like me but can be pretty talkative once you get a conversation going. kind of like me in a way. can imagine today will go exactly as i had planned pretty much.