so the alarm worked! also helped that my body felt really good how i look. i re-arranged some stuff in the room once again which is a monthly tradition for me at this point. i have the amplifier next to me while i have room under my desk for my trash can and pedalboard while my pc is to the side of me where my dresser drawer is. i also have our books at that area as well. kind of considering putting the charging cables by our bed to where i am.

i went to see sean's grandmother from her mom's side of the family earlier today with her parents. she's been dealing with dementia for the past couple years or so and her mom tries to see her atleast a few times a year to check up on her. i'm afraid she doesnt have much longer to live as she seems to start to forget who her children were at points. it was.. sad to see to say the least. atleast in the condition that she's in. we all eventually said our goodbyes and headed home afterwards. so after i did all the re-arranging in our room, i did the laundry, did my nails a little bit, and prepared myself to head into work a little bit earlier than normal. i thought it was 6pm to be fair.

really hate how i feel like im not that important to a lot of people in my life. it's worse if it's people that i wanna be friends with who feel this way with me. if only there is a way to function well just being alone. im sure theres a way to do it, i just dont know if im willing to go through with it. maybe i do obsess over my depression even if it sounds insane for me to do. i wouldn't be surprised. i feel like that's all i can really think about is me wanting to be sad and alone. i should probably look for some community somehow. maybe give HER or some other dating/friend app another shot. i just kind of hate how it hasn't been effective compared to indiana.

is it bad that im getting nostalgia for 2024? i feel like it was weirdly one of the best years of my life even if it was mostly me and my friend recovering from our travels in maine. like i enjoyed interacting with the people in my (at the time) hangout server until i crashed out one day and never returned because no one deep down really cared about me despite being the #1 yapper in the server. i hate having this aura where i'm enticing to a lot of people only until they get to know me they slowly drift away from me because of how weird i am. i'm afraid i wont ever have a sense of community in my life no matter how hard i try.

i still wanna atleast go to events and live my life the way i want to be. the fact that in an alternative timeline i would have gone to this local bdsm event that someone that i knew all those years ago and possibly had met their friends. it saddens me. i just wish i weren't living in a town full of old people. not too mention have parks be far away from where we live.