cried for 10 minutes as soon as i got home. been feeling really useless, ugly, dysphoric, stupid, an insecure loser, and just in general feel like i shouldn't have existed after turning 18. hell even when i was 13 i was pushing it. i hate how anytime i see someone living their best life i can't help but have immense jealousy to the point i want to push my insecurities onto them like a pathetic nerd who should know better than to lash out at someone that is just living their life the way they enjoy it. i wish i could enjoy mine. i really do. i don't have much of a social life outside of my best friend and maybe like. one other person that i consistently enjoy talking to on discord. im crying as i type this whole thing out. i need to go out more but i get scared. im scared to be myself sometimes. even around the people i love and cherish. i hate it. why couldn't i just be a normal fucking person? why did i have to be born autistic, trans, and with the most niche topics imaginable? i wish i can end it all. i just cant bring myself to do it as i know deep down i will regret it. but the thought keeps persisting. the question however is, when will i get to that point? where i just say fuck it and harm myself?